Although, I said I would wait until tomorrow to post my next blog explaining the ache of the beating heart. I figured why not waste more time not studying for my exams and write a post. So as I previously mentioned. I was watching the movie “The Holiday”. Which started out with a girl who fell in love with her best friend in which was a guy. She would do anything for him and she knew he would never love her. Well lets just say been there done/doing that.
So lets start back 2 years ago. I am in my first year of high school (Level -1 Grade 10). and I am sitting in my seat in math, and a guy who I used to chat a bit with in elementary and junior high comes over and sits next to me. Whatever never thought much of it, to be honest. But then as the semester took off so did us talking. All of a sudden we were inseparable. We ate lunch together with another little group of our friends. and we all of a sudden became best friends. We texted a fair amount, and math class was the best of the day. Although we became close we never did hangout outside of school. I remember we used to get in these stupid little fights and, I would pretend like I was mad, when I wasn’t and say we weren’t friends anymore. And honestly this may sound so very sad, those fights were the best cause in my mind it showed that he cared when he would fight for me. Now at this point all the girls who were friends with him, had fallen for him and I honestly don’t know why he wasn’t that attractive ( NOT saying everything is about looks!!). And he was an ass he was a selfish prick and to this day still is.. Anyways lets not get off track. He would tell me about it and go on hours end talking about how he hated that, they liked him, cause he in absolutely no possible way liked them. At this point where all the other girls liked him, everyone assumed I did. But I didn’t like him what so ever other then just as my best friend, in which I never wanted anyone else but me too be his best friend. But he kept dropping what some took as hints such as ; “Never say Never” (to liking him) talked about marriage a lot seeing us married and all this, and I just shot it down cause, sure the attention was nice but I did not like him at all. So the year quickly passed and the summer approached and I didn’t think anything of it, other then I was going to miss those math classes, where anything but math happened.
Over the summer we texted a lot pretty much everyday and we still yet to hangout. And the thoughts of grade 11 and hoping for more classes like math the previous year. Over the summer I started to miss him, more and more. Which I found strange because I never did experience such weird feelings. As summer ended, I got more and more nervous about going back to school seeing him seeing how he has changed seeing how he feels about me. wondering “Maybe he missed me too?”. We get into the year and things are the same but, I realized I was like one of those other stupid girls and was slowly but surely falling for him. I would go home put my headphones in hit my playlist ” Thinking” and just stare at my ceiling for hours. In the winter he got a job, the one he had always wanted. And then he changed the one who showed some sort of attention to me and, who I fell for even though, I said I never would changed. He met a girl worker there and that’s all he talked about over and over and over again. And do you want to know how fucking (excuse the language, but it was needed for this sentence) annoying it is when he is going on and on about her. And you’re going on and on about him. Finally I had fallen that hard that, I was always angry. I became a person with a resting bitch face always upset and inside was a person you would never want to meet. Getting his license changed him even more, he would never hangout with me but, he would be with her all the time late in the night. And it broke me, made me gasp for air like I couldn’t breath like I was drowning or my lungs were collapsing. That’s when I knew I had hit rock bottom completely fallen and there was no going back. Soon our little fights weren’t cute and fun anymore because I was actually angry and he could care less he could let me go, watch me float away like I never meant anything and never did. The summer came again and I just wanted to get out not see him. Over the summer I never heard from him I would text but they would get ignored. One day he texted me showing me a clip of there texts. She had called him the nick name I had given him. The bitch literally took everything from me. I replied with “Well she has taken everything from me best friend title and your nickname I gave you” he said ” You’re my best friend she is just a co worker”. This gave me a little bit of hope until, later that day I was dropping my friend off Mcdonalds, for work. And who do I see sitting there him and her, sharing a pack of nuggets. I had a full on panic and anxiety attack and he was just looking at me. At this point I hated him, hated how I felt I was tired of having my heart broken. What did this girl have over me she was 3 years older.
Welcome to grade 12. Where we are too now, I still loved him so much at the beginning of the year. But I realized him and her were so much more then friends. One day me and him really got into it and all I really wanted was for him to show just a little bit that he still cared or even did. Instead he told me “I’m not making any substitutions she is my friend and she isn’t going anywhere. You might be but she isn’t” That shattered me completely broke me. Like, how can you be so cruel to do that to someone, let alone someone who obviously cared about him. Heaven forbid he show the same respect unless its for her. Man nothing hurt so much I went home and I cried and cried and cried. No one has ever made me feel like that in my life. Many people tell me ” Oh my god, just tell him already”. And its not just that simple you think its easy , to go and tell the person who you would do anything for cares for so much. How you feel when he told you he isn’t making no substitutions in his life well other then me cause, he don’t and never did give a shit about me. Now here we are in January we are still talking, but I am almost completely out of love with him. and the only reason I would say “almost” is because reading this and, seeing him and talking to him. It still stings a little. I know what I need is to rid of him completely, no talking no eye contact no socialization and trust me I am getting there. I don’t obsess over so much anymore. Whatever he chose her, over me its his loss, clearly not mine. All I can do is keep looking for someone who will feel about me how I once felt about him. One day I hope, I do tell him or he can know how he made me feel. How he completely broke me, drained me gave me stress, anxiety and depression. I have been told the do go out, in which it doesn’t affect me. He is an ass hole so if that’s what she wants she can get. I just pray to whatever higher power there is out there that I never, fall back down the rabbit hole into his old tricks and my feeling of pain. This year won’t be long going and we will never speak again. Maybe one day, I will meet him somewhere down the road and can tell him all this. Maybe one day while scrolling on the internet he will come across the post, maybe one day it will find him. Make some impact on him. Hopefully by then I will be successful and have someone who treats me like he treated her.
Thanks for reading and I will post more tomorrow. Comment if anything similar has happened or is happening to you. You aren’t alone out there like, I know I’m not. orevaderchi